After failing to buy the Champions League trophy with airline profits, the Manchester City football club is plotting to buy FIFA and UEFA, with a secret contract clause to take full control of all VAR technologies for world domination.
The newsroom at Straight Red has learned from exclusive and well-connected sources that the deep pockets funded by Etihad Airways are hungrier than ever for European footballing success. They will soon lift the veil on an unsolicited public offer to acquire the two main governing bodies in the sport.
The ultimate solution
“The €50 billion offer they are about to put on the table will give everyone a golden retirement, says one source. Once you get your share in the currency of your choice, you can pick between paving Swiss streets with gold and raising sheep in New Zealand. It doesn’t matter. You’re rich enough to do it all. We’ll take care of the sport after taking it from your hands.”
We were able to view a rough draft of the contract after downloading it from a gold-plated USB stick. Paragraph 23.18 consists of a secret clause that calls for the inclusion of the VAR system in the deal.
“All VAR equipment worldwide is to be acquired, gathered and destroyed in a giant bonfire. The fire will be lit right in front of its inventor, who must not suffer any of the human rights abuses committed by the host country of our sponsors. However, he will watch the entire event as payback since his invention cost us the tie against Tottenham in Champions League 2018-19 quarters.”
“Whoever thought of VAR at the Royal Netherlands Football Association must receive his due punishment. Only after that can he be released to enjoy the wealthy retirement of his choice.”
However, the acquisition is only the beginning of a long, triumphant story.
First, Financial Fair Play rules will be entirely abolished by the reformed UEFA. Manchester City’s “sponsorship” deal with Etihad will turn into full direct ownership. The team’s stadium will be redesigned with an aviation theme and gold plated. Gold steaks from Salt Bae will replace traditional concession food offerings due to their delightful colour.
Second, the new FIFA and UEFA will implement “mandatory selling” release clauses in favour of Citeh in all player contracts, at all clubs, worldwide. Once contacted by Citeh, clubs will receive large amounts of money in return for the selected players. The wealth will, in turn, allow them to recruit, train and groom generations of players from which Citeh will cherry pick.
By always having direct contractual access to all talents, Citeh will cherry pick to build and refine the best team in the world until the end of times. It will start by putting together a team comprising Lionel Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo and Kylian Mbappé. As each megastar fades or retires, he will be replaced by the next one.
Thus, Manchester City will have the firepower to win the UEFA Champions League every year. To keep football purists happy, it will invent the equivalent of soma, the happiness-producing drug from Brave New World.
Once they win three straight European Cups, the fake stars on their shirts will be replaced by genuine championship stars.
To celebrate the fifth straight title, each continental confederation will have a farm club that is directly owned by the mothership in Manchester. Their mission? Winning the regional Champions League every year. We reckon that the clubs will be Los Angeles City, Rio de Janeiro City, Al Ahly City, Auckland City and Tokyo City.
To celebrate the 10th straight title, the Champions-League-Square will be built in Manchester. A gold fountain in the form of the club’s eagle symbol will permanently piss on a collection of logos from traditional clubs such as FC Bayern, Manchester United, Real Madrid and FC Barcelona. A massive statue of Pep Guardiola will be added to remember the coach who started the football revolution. Each farm club will have a gold plate in the pavement.
After 15 straight European Champions League titles, Manchester City will launch the Citizen pilgrimage. Fans worldwide will be gracefully allowed to visit the football Mecca for a few days, at least once in their life.
The 20th straight European title will be the ultimate achievement. For the occasion, all Manchester City shirts will change. The traditional powder blue will be replaced by a new, sweat resistant gold-laced polyester fabric. Sunshine exposure will replace traditional water-based washing procedures. Citeh will wear the gold shirt for all matches. Thanks to new FIFA rules, other clubs will be forced to wear different colours to adapt.
One world. One club. One empire.